Nightmares Never End
by ninajunkie
Summary: The day she had dreaded for so long had finally arrived. Even though the sound is gone, the ringing still lingers in her ears. Even after she wakes up from her nightmares. [rated M for sexual situations later]
1. one through three

**Nightmares Never End**

**Summary:** The day she had dreaded for so long had finally arrived. Even though the sound is gone, the ringing still lingers in her ears. Even after she wakes up from her nightmares.  
**Word count:** 2,013  
**Total: **2,013  
**Warnings:** This piece of fiction is going to be filled with angst galore. And later on there will be more nasty and depressing stuff, so I'm warning you all now. And sex. Lots of smut.  
**Disclaimer:** I wish that I could at least own a piece of hair from Draco Malfoy's precious head, but I don't. So therefore I own nothing of the Harry Potter universe. Only JK Rowling and her partner companies do.

**.one.  
**The sound of the front door slamming resonated throughout the house, echoing back into her ears. That one sweet melodic sound was the most terrifying occurrence she had ever encountered, but yet she surrounded herself in it, trying to keep the sound repeating over and over again. Trying to convince herself that it had actually happened. That it was the last time. Never again will she hear the click of the metal unlocking and the turning of the brass doorknob. And just as quick as it had happened, the sound ended abruptly, leaving a cold and bitter silence lingering within the air.

She knew it would have happened someday, and Time would never give her answers to the questions her mind would unintentionally ask. It was as if the minutes and seconds hauntingly ticked away. Mocking her. Teasing her endlessly. But they were only trying to show her that all great things eventually come to an end.

Her eyelids swiftly opened to reveal her golden brown eyes covered with thick tears, refusing to fall and tarnish her delicate skin. Even though she had pictured that moment happening in her mind countless times in the past, it still hit her like a cold splash of water. Hitting her in the face and making her finally face reality. She had lived so long in a world filled with contradictory situations and fantasy-filled days, that the remembrance of actuality was only a hazy cloud. Life trapped within four walls had definitely not been what she had planned for herself, but it had become routine so fast, that she had suffered from whiplash.

But as the seconds now started to tick away faster than she remembered possible, her fevered body was scrunched up on top of the bed. The bed that seemed to be too large for her now. The only comfortable position she knew of, was to wrap her arms around the legs that were so tightly pushed up against her chest. Even in the dazed state that her mind was in, she instantly knew that her body had to have been rocking slightly back and forth, trying to sooth her soul. Ease her mind. Breathe a bit of innocence.

Perseverance had long been gone as the first tear drop fought its way onto her cheek, slowly drifting away onto her now pale lips. She took a quick taste of her own saline release of liquid, but it had done nothing to relieve her of the pain that flowed through every inch of her limbs. And with pain, it brought along fear. Fear of once again being alone in the expanse of the world.

Emptiness. She was filled with it. Filled with so much empty space that it was too much to bear for more than five minutes. How had it been possible to be surrounded with the one thing she had once reached out for, and still feel the need for something more? And now that it was gone, she felt the need to have less. It was all just one big contradiction. Her whole life had been one huge paradox.

The soft hum escaped her lips that she knew too well, an old friend of comfort. Her eyelids shut once more to shield her eyes from the world she thought she had known so much about. It had all been a lie. Just a tale to convince the close-minded that the things they didn't want to see or hear really weren't there. It had taken that one single moment for the front door to slam, to make her realise that the world had a tendency to give its inhabitants a sense of false hope. Hope that she once had, but was now long gone in the black abyss.

He had promised not to leave her, because he too had known the redundant feeling of being alone in a crowd. He had once promised to shield her from the pain she never knew lived within her, but he saw the signs within her eyes. He knew. Because he had always felt the same way. He wanted to save her, but also to be saved in return.

She thought she had.

As her tears pleaded to try and comfort her, she began to slip into a state of sleep. But with dreams of the past refusing to be forgotten. They would now be a reminder of the day that would eventually lead to her current predicament.

**.two.  
**Desolate and alone. It was already what she had been used to. So why did she find it so difficult to be rested upon the dark and bitter stone, without a single soul on either side of her? It didn't bother her one single bit that her back practically touched the icy stone, with only the thin white fabric of her school shirt to protect her skin. A normal person could have felt the dry temperature radiating from the lifeless wall the second they touched it, but she felt at home. It reminded her things such as feelings were a long trip down the road.

That late Tuesday night, she found herself sitting high atop the Astronomy tower, sitting on the open window that faced in the north direction. It gave her the opportunity to gaze out into the night time sky. To try and feel the chilling winter air. But she felt nothing.

She knew that no one would find her hidden away high up within the tower, so she always sought refuge there to be alone with her thoughts. Even though she truly always was alone.

It was past curfew, so she knew her friends had faith in her to never break the rules and leave their assigned spaces. If only they really knew. And if ever they were to be awake when she would retreat back to her own room, they would keep quiet, with silent but busy eyes following her emotionless body until she disappeared from view. No words would ever be exchanged on those rare occurrences, but she always knew that questions would haunt her the next day.

And like the predictable patterned stars in the black velvet sky, they would always come.

"Where were you last night?"

"We saw you leave, but you never came back."

"Where did you run off to that it took you until three in the morning to return?"

"Are you alright? Nothing happened to you did it?"

But she knew for a fact it was all just false concern. Just a simple 'Yes, I'm fine,' would satisfy their lingering and recurring questions. And they would never notice that the smile she held to convince them, had only been fake. For how could she actually mean it, when inside she could sense herself crumbling every second?

How was it that they had the nerve to call themselves her friends, when they couldn't even tell that she had been slowly drifting away? And even if they did know, she would never let them realise that they were the reason she felt so distant. It was like wishing for snow in the middle of July: absolutely pointless. They could never reach her now.

When classes would take a toll on her already heavy mind, she had felt it practically impossible to worry about anything else during that last school year. But then when the work started to drain more energy out of her and demand more time, she finally broke down. Right there in the middle of the library, in front of ten other students and Madam Pince, she let the tears freely escape and felt no need to restrain her sobs.

That was the moment that she realised how empty she felt. That warm day, late in September while working on a larger-than-average sized essay for Advanced Arithmancy. She no longer considered that her favorite class.

But she did realise that she had been working herself too much. _'And what was it all for?'_ she asked herself after she made her way back into her room. What was it exactly that she pushed herself so hard for? Of course the simple answer had been to get the best job she thought satisfactory after leaving school behind. But she thought it more complex than that.

Would the perfect job really satisfy her that much? Even to the point of always feeling like something was missing?

Then when the girls she shared her room with, came barging in, she had suddenly felt truly alone for the first time ever. Those two girls were always around, always talking, and always willing to share. But she still felt distant. And when she quietly snuck out late that night, her feet led the way and took her to the Astronomy tower.

Ever since that fateful day in the beginning of the school year, her feet always led the way. Always, she found herself sitting against the stone that scratched against her back. And she always had been alone with the sky to herself, with no one behind her, in front of her, or even around. Alone.

And that had been two months beforehand, and now the chilling December air threatened to prick at her skin. But she didn't care. For more than sixty days straight, she found solace within that tiny round tower. _'Odd,'_ she thought, that she could find a strange comfort in a trivial space where nothing existed. She hadn't even been looking for anything, but yet she thought she found something. Somewhere to go to sort things out. To _try_ to sort them out.

She knew it to be useless.

Her thoughts were completely lost when she noticed something moving down below her, on the grounds outside of the castle. Out by the lake. A watch could never be found on her arm, or any time-telling device for that matter. But she knew from the stars that it could be no earlier than two o'clock in the morning.

Who could possibly be out that late? Oh yeah, she was. But could it have been possible that someone was just as restless as she was? Every night? She could care less, because no one could ever feel empty and useless like she did. So it didn't matter who else found comfort with the darkness.

Almost thirty more minutes passed until she felt the need to leave the cold air behind and walk back into a warm room that could never heat her up.

**.three.  
**The next morning, she ate nothing. The feeling of sleep being drained from her body finally caught up to her. Still, she sat at her House's table, but only staring blankly at her food, occasionally taking a sip from her goblet of orange juice. Nobody questioned her, but took subtle glances in her direction, wondering if she would ever smile again. But she was completely oblivious to their hushed whispers and quiet concern.

The clatter of something crashing behind her finally brought her out of the daze her tired mind unwilling took her in. Without a word, she grabbed her bag from the floor and walked out of the Great Hall with more eyes staring after her belonging to other than just Gryffindors.

Yet again, she felt the unease of emptiness rush into her dying heart as she made the long route to the greenhouse. But she didn't have Herbology that day. In fact nobody would be occupying greenhouse number three during first block that morning. Except her.

With a simple flick of her wand, the glass door opened to release the fresh scent of the greenery out into the life-deprived outdoors. She walked in, shut the door behind her, and climbed on top of the stretch of table with her legs dangling off the edge. Even with the heating charms set on the greenhouse, she still didn't feel any warmer than she had been while shifting through the snow.

Instead of attending to her classes that day, she assembled herself inside of that greenhouse. For the first time in her life, she didn't care of the consequences.

_And this is the sound of the hopeless ones  
As they stare down at their books  
And realize that they've been lied to_

_But if this is real then I was mistaken  
And if there is truth, then why can't we find it?  
_**I Watched You Taking Off – Bright Eyes**

…

Confused yet? I know, but it will all start to make more sense later on. And part one was where the story really starts, and part two onward –until I say so- will be the past. Hence… nightmares… she's reliving all of this.

Review!

Oh, and no worries, both of my other stories will continue to be worked on. Chapter three of 'Unwritten Words' will be posted very shortly, as soon as Aly and I rework some of the kinks in it, because we weren't to fond of an interaction in it that would have caused problems with something later on… Okay, now I have said too much. And 'Working For the Enemy' will be updated later tonight as soon as grammar and shit like that is fixed.

Review! If you haven't yet.


	2. four through five

**Nightmares Never End**

**Summary:** The day she had dreaded for so long had finally arrived. Even though the sound is gone, the ringing still lingers in her ears. Even after she wakes up from her nightmares.  
**Word count:** 2,012  
**Total: **4,025  
**Warnings:** Still filled with angst, self caused injuries, and some very depressing stuff at the end.  
**Disclaimer:** Still not mine. I just more or less borrow JK Rowling's characters for my own sick and twisted pleasures. And to express myself. But one day I just might own Tom Felton. If only.

**.four.  
**If definite comfort had been something she really desired and longed for, she still hadn't found it. Even if she didn't know it, her heart longed for something deep and meaningful. Something other than just being looked at with tired eyes and hidden comments. She wanted someone to actually _know_ her. Plenty of people knew her, but they didn't know anything about her. They didn't now how she ticked, how she worked. They didn't know why she thought the way she did. Her best friends didn't even know her favorite color.

Green. The color of life. The color of breathing. The color that offered salvation in the form of a large glass box.

They didn't know what her favorite book was. Final Harvest: Emily Dickinson's Poems. So it wasn't a novel, but those precious lines within those pages meant more to her than a complicated fairy tale. She had just settled with the fact that her friends didn't even care to know those simple facts. Facts that made her the way she was. Why she was that way.

But sometimes she just wanted her own anodyne from the pain she felt.

She was still sitting in the Greenhouse even after Arithmancy and Transfiguration had already passed. The bell signaling the beginning of the lunch hour had sounded thirty minutes beforehand with a deafening ring that didn't persist to linger within the air. A grumble released itself from her confined stomach, but she didn't feel hungry. Feeding her appetite would just release the only thing she could feel. She experienced nothing else except the emptiness. But the hurt within her abdomen was the only sign that she was still alive.

Voices began to shout outside of the glass wall. Shouts of laughter and joy. Shouts that she wished would once again escape from her throat. They started to fade towards greenhouse number two, which signaled that third block would be starting soon. Potions. She definitely didn't want to attend to Potions that day and deal with obscenities from Snape. More points taken away would just lead to more blank and threatening stares from housemates.

Something caught her eye. Off in the distance, something moved. Out by the Black Lake once again. Weren't students supposed to be in class? But yet she wasn't either. And it was unmistakably a person. A student to be exact. Male to be even more precise. He was too far away for her to really notice, but the way he walked and the way he stood gave it all away.

But really… she didn't care. He had his own problems to worry about and she had her own. Who cared is he was avoiding classes also. It didn't mean anything. So she looked away. She tore her eyes from another body that seemed to be as dead as her.

As her eyes avoided him though, they landed on something else. She walked towards a matured batch of Mandrakes, but it wasn't them that attracted her attention. It had been on the stool next to their pots. They still managed to shine under the lifeless amount of sun seeping in through the roof but the sharp edge had the most sparkle.

Just one touch to the skin would cause the most beautiful emotion to stir up within her. One that she felt every day. But even one more ounce of it would make her notice that it was still there. Pain. It was on the inside, and it shined on the outside, through her skin and eyes and speech. But it was an everyday occurrence, so she wondered if it still lingered. It was numb. Just numb pain that made her no longer feel.

She took one in her hand, searching for the courage within her to use it. Just to test if the feeling in her stomach had been right. Was she really still breathing?

But it failed. She couldn't do it. Tears fell from her eyes as she did also, lifelessly to the floor, not worrying about the dirt that would soil her robes. She cried. Without fear of being heard once again. Had she really sunk that low to result to injuring herself? It was simple. She had.

Her tears quickly vanished, disappearing into the soil that filled the floor of the greenhouse. And the metal sat beside her, underneath her hand without wanting to be touched. But she wanted it. Even though she realised how deep she was into the hole, she wanted it. She needed some sign. Something to let her know that red blood still coursed throughout her veins. That her heart still pumped for a reason. And that maybe her blood would mix in with the dirt, finally showing the world what she really was: a Mudblood. Just a lonely muggle-born who truly didn't deserve to belong in the world where she still couldn't make life happen for herself.

Picking it back up from the ground, she brought it quivering to the delicate and pale skin of her wrist, the blade barely touching the membrane. Her eyes shut tightly, trying to keep all her emotions on the inside without releasing a cry, and pushed harder. Harder. Then even harder again. She felt it break the skin, but hesitated and wanted to leave it there. But it wasn't enough pain. The metal collided with more unbroken skin and mixed with her crimson blood. She kept on dragging it, feeling the immense pressure of pain. But she didn't stop. Not until the garden house door opened.

Hurriedly, she dropped the sharp metal into her pocket and covered her forearm back up with her sleeve and stood up. And just stared. Boring her gaze into the insensible eyes in front of her. He noticed her, but didn't look at her or acknowledge her presence. But she knew that he saw her.

His hands were resting in his robe pockets and his posture had been faltered and his head drooping. The feet connected to his lagging body took him to a stool next to the table she herself and been sitting behind. She constantly hoped that he hadn't noticed what she had done.

But the stinging was still there, even as she made her way to face the bastard sitting in _her_ greenhouse. Her face was rigid, without any emotion, except faked anger. It was pathetic. She couldn't even muster an ounce of detest for the man in front of her. The _boy_ who had started making her life the hell that it was.

"Missed lunch, didn't you?" he asked calmly, also void of any emotion, but his eyes looking back into hers.

"What are _you_ doing here?" she spat out with venom, hoping he would catch the hint that she wasn't in the mood for insults.

"Same thing you are," he replied mysteriously, without giving any hint as to how he knew what she was there for.

"Avoiding questioning professors and pointless schoolwork?"

"No. Hiding. Avoiding everyone else."

"And why exactly would I be doing that?" She wasn't too ecstatic about his jumping to conclusions, even if they were right, and her face turned even harder than it had been.

"Because you're tired of it all. Because no one else understands you," he said cryptically again.

"Oh yeah? And what, do you? Do you understand me?" she asked crossing her arms over her chest, making sure her left arm stayed covered by the midnight-coloured fabric.

"Well, am I right?"

She didn't want to nod, she didn't want to tell him how absolutely accurate he was, but her head betrayed her mind, and then he knew. But no smirk came. No snide remark followed. Nothing except the same saddened look in his eyes still staring in hers.

"It's okay," he suddenly said. "I won't tell anyone." And then he was gone.

He walked back out through the foggy glass door to the piles of snow that crunched underneath his boots and to the air that froze his shallow breaths and blew through his blonde hair. The cold and bitter wind made a quick appearance before the door shut completely, and danced across the skin that hadn't been hidden by her school uniform. But it still didn't do anything. She still couldn't feel.

**.five.**  
She sat hidden in a dark alcove off into the corridor protruding from the Entrance Hall, waiting for the first years to finish with their weekly Astronomy lesson. The shadows covered her completely, keeping her away from view, but she liked the feeling it gave to be surrounded with the darkness. It made her blend in. Made her feel like she always had. Not really there.

Shuffling of feet were heard climbing down the spiraling staircase, and faint tired voices whispering to one another. Professor Sinistra's loud booming voice could be heard telling the students to work on their homework due in the lecture portion of the class the following day.

Soon enough, the utterances of words and stomps of dragon hide boots were echoing down into the dungeons or up the staircase, to head to the dormitories. Her brown-coloured strands stuck out from the hidden spot, light finally shining on them, and then the rest of her head followed, checking to be absolutely sure that no one could be seen.

The silence enveloped her just like the darkness had, and she walked backwards, her back facing the staircase until her foot hit the first step. Quickly turning around, she sped up, skipping every other step until reaching the top. She placed her hand upon the wintry stone, and it suddenly opened as if someone had pulled on it. The wonders of magic.

Cold. She finally felt the frozen breeze from the winter air. But it soon vanished and she felt normal once again.

Just like every other night for the past sixty-some days, she sat on the edge of an open, glassless window, her back against the thin wall. She sat looking out at the stars. The stars that shone endlessly, but without any given indication if they still existed out in the vast space. People could still see the light that had been released from the stars, but many of them probably had died long ago. It was exactly like looking at something that wasn't even there. And that's how she felt.

Maybe one day she could join the stars, and live life only shining through all barriers, showing the world what she was made of. What she wanted others to see. Maybe she could join them now, and it wouldn't be too late for people to see the real her. See what she's really made of. If only she could reach them.

The splashing of cold water hitting the shore of dark grey stones was heard piercing through the whips of wind. She looked down, once again into the depths of the lake underneath her. It looked so welcoming. No wonder that lone figure was always out by its breezy comfort. Even if it was almost frozen over. And yet, he was leaving. If it was such a solace for him, why was he leaving when the night was still young?

But she didn't care. Remember?

She inserted her tiny fingers from both hands into crevices between two stones on either side of the hole, and pulled, lifting herself up to stand on the ledge. The wind fiercely whipped around her body, making her hair and skirt lap around. It sounded angry within her ears. It was mad. Livid at the way she would think things, but never act upon them. Fuming because she was just standing there. Still upon the edge, but not moving. Why wasn't she moving?

Silently acquiescing to its demands, she closed her eyes. Not tightly. Not forcibly. But just enough to block out the light pleading with her, shining from the full moon beyond the tips of the forest trees. Her eyes shut out any sign of life, and her ears gave way to any sound that reached her now unthinking mind. Nothing would get in her way now. Not even the heart that lay within her chest.

…

_Save yourself.  
Cause the only thing that matters  
Is that you get away from the pain  
And the thought of losing your mind.  
Don't blame yourself.  
__It was everyone around that made you act this way.  
_**This Time is the Last Time – Mae**

…

Ah! I was going to post this earlier, but my beloved ferret has been sick and I didn't have an earlier chance to edit it out. But Draco is all better now, and yes that is what I named my ferret. :D But now I'm thinking about updating this fic every Tuesday night. How does that sound?

Thanks so much for the reviews that you all sent in for the last chapter. I know everything is just so damn confusing, but I hope it makes more sense later on. But some things will be cleared up next chapter. Promise.

On another note… I just got done watching Goblet of Fire before posting this. And the end makes me cry every single time I watch it. Especially when Mr. Diggory is crying over Cedric's body. So sad. But it's funny how watching the movies can give you ideas for fan fiction. So I've been working on another one-shot about the Malfoy family. So look out for it soon. I don't know how soon.


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